


I'm the Magicest! [2012]

by MrVacan



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Gen, Magical Girls, and Magical Boys?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 09:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11158602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrVacan/pseuds/MrVacan
Summary: Being Mr. Vacan is suffering.





	1. Wot's a Magical Guhl, Mate?

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first Madoka Magica fanfic, written by me on FF about some 5 years ago. I had since disappeared from the fanfic world, and this fic was presumed lost, until a narration of it was done by Lord Starfish on YouTube. To commemorate my previously lost fic, I have decided to upload it once more. The fic is more or less preserved completely in its original state, though some edits were made out of consideration for others, as well as for clarity or to amend some spelling errors. These however were only minor edits that will not affect the overall story. The original, unedited fic is narrated in its entirety by Lord Starfish, if you wish to observe the differences that were made.

**I'm the Magicest! [2012]**

**Chapter 1: Wot's A Magical Guhl, Mate?**

Mr. Vacan felt awful for some raisin.

It was like a wave of despair was inundated over him. Of course, there was no actual wave of despair providing inundation, but that was how it felt to him.

Mr. Vacan was feeling sad and mopey. As convenience would have it, he was walking alongside a bridge on the road, which was suspended high over an icy like of water.

He thought to himself. "I am so sad, I will jump off this bridge so I will be dead and not sad anymore."

So Mr. Vacan finished the ice cream he was eating, and threw the cone away. He was about to jump.

"Alright, time to jump."

He kept waiting. And then he flexed to help his jumping muscles.

It was time.

"NOOOO DON'T JUMP YOU NINNY." Called out a womanly voice.

It was a girl with curly yellow hair on her pretty little head. She whipped out a gun from under her skirt, which caused Mr. Vacan to not be able to believe his eyes.

"Who the fuck are you?"

The girl didn't answer. "I'm a motherfucking Magical Girl, bitch." She fired her gun at the air, but as it turned out there was an invisible monster that got hit by the bullets of the gun.

"That takes care of that." Said the girl while doing a triumphant thumbs up.

Mr. Vacan rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

"Wot's a magical guhl, mate?"

And suddenly a white cat thingy hooped into view. It had cat ears with long tentacles wrapped in glowing haloes, and smiled in an adorable way.

"Magical girls get wishes. Then they fight witches, and get bitches. Awwwwww yeahhhh!"

Mr. Vacan was dumbfounded.


	2. W-W-W-W-W-Wishes?

**Chapter 2: W-W-W-W-W-Wishes?**

Mr. Vacan was not depressed anymore for some reason. He could not comprehend such a phenomenon, and so elected not to do so. Instead, he focused his curiosity on who these people were before him.

"No seriously, who the fuck are you guys?" asked Mr. Vacan while tilting his head.

The girl spoke "My name i-"

But then the white cat interrupted. "I'm Kyubey. I have the power to make wishes come true."

Mr. Vacan's eyes lit up like a neon sign. "W-w-w-w-w-wishes?"

Kyubey nodded, he was still doing the :3 face. "One wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on wishing for more wishes! One. _Uno._ No substitutions, exchanges or refunds." Said Kyubey as he crawled along the floor with a cigar.

Mr. Vacan looked at the girl standing next to Kyubey. "Am I dreaming or is this just a Fanta sea?"

The girl continued. "My name's Mami. Got It memorized?"

Mr. Vacan thought that through and applied his logic. "You're not my mommy, you crazy women. And don't mommy have bandages wrapped around them?'

Mami facepalmed, and it was then that Mr. Vacan noticed that she had a really big pair of nice, round, sumptuous-

"Eyes…" Mr. Vacan mused to himself.

Mami blinked, and adjusted the jewel dealie on her head. "Tell me, sir, were you feeling any strange feelings of depression or emo vibes before we showed up?"

Mr. Vacan thought about it for a long while.

"Yup."

Mami proceeded to explain the situation some more, but Kyubey interrupted her yet again.

"What you just felt was the effects of a witch and their familiars. You see, witches have the power to subconsciously influence negative emotions in humans, and drive them to self-destructive practices. Normal people cannot usually see or fight witches, so it is up to magical girls to do the fighting and destroy the witches."

Mr. Vacan responded by vacantly drooling and emitting sparks from his cranium. Luckily for him, Mami's new friends came to check up on her. There was a blue haired girl with blue eyes, and a pink haired girl who wore ribbons to tie her hair.

"Mami are you okay?" they asked.

But Mami was not happy to see them both. "I thought I told you girls not to bother me today! I have half a mind to pimp slap you upside the head!... But that's not the magical girl way so we will do hugs and forgiveness instead~"

Mr. Vacan shrugged like a devil. "Who are you girls and why do you have wacky hair colors? Seriously."

The blue haired girl spoke first. "Like, ohmagawd, the name's Sayaka Miki. Like, so whatever!"

Then came the pink haired girl's turn to speak. "I'm Madoka. I'm a super moe and a generic loli. Tee-hee."

As soon as he spotted her, Kyubey pounced upon Madoka to latch on to her shoulder like an annoying pet. If Kyubey could change faces, he would probably have a huge ear-to-ear grin plastered all across his mug, but he could not, so he deigned to remain in his :3 face.

"Madoka y u no maek contract with me?" He moaned.

Sayaka enthused. "Like ohmagawd, Madoka, you should so, like, make the contract or whatever. You'll, like, get your wish or something."

Taking notes, Mr. Vacan prodded their brains for information. "So to get a wish, you have to make a contract with Kyubey? I thought you were a genie or something. That's why I wondered why you had no lamp. But it's really because you're not a genie. Then how do you grant wishes?"

Kyubey swaggered like a smug little prick.

"A magical girl to be is entitled to one wish. No more, no less. They can wish for anything that their heart desires."

Madoka scratched her chin in thought. What could she possibly wish for? And then she had her answer.

"I wish for-"

But she was suddenly tripped up and fell. Mami looked around to see who caused it. Kyubey stayed perfectly still. Sayaka texted her friends on her cellphone. Mr. Vacan kept taking notes. And then, another girl spoke in an emotionless voice.

"That won't be mandatory."

Mami gasped. It was Homura Akemi, the girl who just joined their school.

Homura flipped her hair in a flashy manner. "Madoka Kaname. What have I told you about making contracts with Kyubey?"

Madoka thought it over. "Well, you didn't tell me anything."

Homura took a look at Madoka, who was still tripped up. Her face didn't change expression, even though Madoka looked hilariously soppy after having been knocked to the ground and it was hard not to laugh at such a sight.

So she accentuated her warning with another flashy hair flip. "Don't make a contract with Kyubey, m'kay?"

Mr. Vacan interjected. "Can I make a contract with Kyubey?"

Homura wasn't paying much attention to anyone besides Madoka. "Oh, yeah, sure."

Mr. Vacan swelled with anticipation. He knew just what to wish for. **"KYUUUUUUUUUUBEYYYY! I WANT TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH YOU!"**

Kyubey rubbed his paws together. "That's a tempting offer, but I've never tried making a contract with a boy before. Usually only girls are drawn to my cute appearance and swishy tail. But since you are so willing, I will try to grant your wish."

Mami warned Mr. Vacan. "You only get one wish. So don't wish for something stupid like a new toothbrush."

That put Mr. Vacan in quite the quandary, as he was planning to wish for a new toothbrush; he could think of no other thing he wanted. He did not need money or power, and there was nothing that he could not achieve for himself.

But almost instantly, he thought of something he wanted, a wish more worthwhile than a new toothbrush.

"A-a-ahem… Kyubey, I wish…"

Everyone but Sayaka, who was texting, leaned in suspense.

"I wish for two new toothbrushes."


	3. It's A Gumball, You Dolt

**Chapter 3: It's A Gumball, You Dolt**

Mr. Vacan had made his wish, reflecting his heart's one true desire.

Kyubey's eyes glowed in a mystic fashion as the contract was becoming fulfilled. And then he pulled out a dialogue box filled with a massive wall of text. Mami recognized what this meant, as did Homura, but she was focused on Madoka, and flipping her hair.

Mr. Vacan was perturbed. "What is this?"

Kyubey was rude in providing a sarcastic answer. "It's a gumball, you dolt."

Mami knew Mr. Vacan would actually confuse the dialog box of text for a gumball, so she provided an alternative explanation.

"That's the contract's terms and conditions, it's very important to read it all to make sure-"

But Mr. Vacan already clicked "I agree", which surprised Sayaka and Madoka, as they had never seen a contract in progress before.

Mami lamented. "Nobody ever reads the terms and conditions…"

Kyubey's ear haloes glowed, signifying the completion of the contract. "Mr. Vacan, you are now… a Magical Girl- I mean, Boy!"

And before Mr. Vacan appeared a gem encased in gold. It was shiny and reminded Mr. Vacan of gems. Mr. Vacan knew exactly what this soulful gem was.

"Wow, this gem is full of soul!... What do you call it?"

Kyubey was rude in providing another sarcastic answer. "It's a gumball, you dolt."

And Mami continued. "Yup, it's a gumball. It helps you use your magical girl… boy powers. See, it glows. Shiiiiiiny~"

Sakaya was veritably enamored with the sheer bedazzling wonderment of the wondrous gem that was cast upon her mortal eyes. "Like, ohmagawd, I want one! I, like, so know what I'm gonna wish for, totally!"

Madoka, who was still tripped up, did the MAH BOI pose, as though she was trying to make a point. "You're not going to wish that you and that boy Kyosuke were married, are you?"

In response, Sakaya blushed with a tsundere power level that would put Helga Pataki to shame. "Ohmagawd, Madoka, just shut up, okay? I, like, so do not love that handsome boy, and his, like, so totally gorgeous face, so just forget it!"

Mami was bored of hearing talk about boys, so she invited everyone over to her house for some tea. "Hey everyone, let's come over to my house for some tea."

So they all walked to Mami's house… except for Homura, who vanished like she was Doctor Who or something.

Since Mami lived alone, she was very rich, she had all the latest in home entertainment; an 80 inch plasma screen with surround sound, and a Wii-station 360, which could play vinyl records, and had her favourite game installed in it. It was _Touhou Revolution: Marisa's Unholy Adventure©._

The first thing Mr. Vacan wanted to do was lie down on Mami's priceless suede sofa, even though his shoes were all muddy and stuff. Mami urged him to get his shoes off of there, but Mr. Vacan proposed a counter-argument that was too airtight to refute.

"Fuck yo couch! Buy another one, you rich mother fucker!"

Mami was about to mope, but she noticed Madoka, Sayaka and Kyubey had finished all their cake slices. So she decided to tell them more about magical girls.

"Did you like my cake? I also have some melons hanging in my rack if you want them. I even filled them with a huge cup of milk~"

Madoka and Sayaka stared blankly. So Mami changed the subject.

"Magical girls have very important duties to fulfil. We can't have witches running amok in the city, that would be terrible. At the same time, you must remember not to use too much magic when you are fighting one, because you see… Oh, never mind, just read the enclosed instruction book."

So Sayaka perused the manual carefully, while Madoka gave Kyubey another slice of cake piece by piece. After they were both finished, they dragged Mr. Vacan with them as they left to go home.

When Mami was alone, she looked at her ruined couch with tears in her eyes.

She could no longer bear it.

She blasted the couch with her guns until there was nothing left.


	4. Madoka, Who Are You Yelling At?

**Chapter 4: Madoka, Who Are You Yelling At?**

The next morning, Madoka woke up in her bed. She noticed that Kyubey was staring at her from her windowsill.

"KYUBEY STOP STALKING ME IN MY SLEEP." She threw a pillow at Kyubey, which made him fall and flop on the bed.

It didn't move, and that was when Madoka realized that she really threw her pillow at her Kyubey plushie she bought yesterday. But Kyubey was still mad.

"DO NOT THROW PILLOWS!" Kyubey huffed, still doing the :3 face. It turned out Kyubey was hiding in Madoka's pillowcase, covered in feathers.

Madoka shouted back "KYUBEY I SWEAR I WILL SHOVE MY BOOT UP YOUR-"

"Madoka, who are you yelling at?" called a voice from downstairs.

"No-one, Mom… I'm just practicing for a play. It's called, um, _Madoka Attacks Kyubey with a Boot_."

"Okay, I'm coming upstairs to bring you your breakfast. It's bacon and eggs, your favorite."

Madoka's stomach grumbled. She loved bacon and eggs and could eat them all day. She even thought about wishing for infinite bacon and eggs as her contract wish. But she was hesitant.

The bedroom door swung open and there, carrying a tray heaped with bacon and eggs while wearing a cute frilly apron, was-

"MR. VACAN?~? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? AND WHERE'S THE TOAST?" Madoka flailed her arms and made them wiggle like noodles.

"Sorry Madoka, your mom is on a very important business trip and your dad had to go with her to carry all her luggage. They hired me to help out In the house."

Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Kaname were very busy in America, where they had some very important negotiations to take care of with their business partners.

"Dark Magician, attack! You lose 500 life points!"

Ms. Kaname didn't even flinch. Instead, she slapped another card on her duel disk. "I play Exodia's head, in Atttack Mode!"

And Madoka wondered again, through mouthfuls of chewed-up bacon and eggs. "What about my brother?"

Mr. Vacan mulled it over. "I'm sure he's fine."

And Madoka's brother, Tatsuya, ended up on a small iceberg, which was drifting to Russia.

Madoka belched loudly as she finished the last of her bacon and eggs. Kyubey was almost about to run off with a bacon slice, but Madoka took notice and snatched it right out of his mouth. "My bacon."

After Madoka got dressed and prepared, she and Mr. Vacan walked to school with Sayaka and their prissy friend Hitomi. It was there that they figured out that Kyubey could let them talk telepathically.

"Ohmagawd Madoka, did you, like, know about Kyosuke? I bought him this, like, totally wicked violin CD. He's gonna soooo totally love it or something." Sakaya said in their minds.

"Mr. Vacan, I'm still annoyed at you for ruining my couch." Mami said from far away.

But Mr. Vacan couldn't get the hang of telepathy. "I wanna see Kyosuke too."

And Hitomi noticed. "Why do you want to see Kyosuke in the hospital so badly? I know he's handsome, and helpless, and handsome, and sick, and handsome, and cute, and handsome, but no boy wants to be around him that badly, unless… Noo, boys can't love boys!"

Hitomi ran off with sadness. "Boys can't love boys! Boys can't love boys! Boys can't love boys!..."

Sayaka noticed she left her bag behind. "Like, Hitomi, you have a so totally awesome bag! I'm, like, jealous!"

Class was very boring for Madoka and Sayaka, and Mr. Vacan, who was sitting in the corner. The teacher droned on and on, " _Waha waha wahh wahh_ ," in her trumpet voice.

Madoka buried her hands in her face. "Good grief."

Homura was eyeing Madoka with a cold expression, but then she was called to provide an answer to the question on the chalkboard, which she studied carefully.

"Let's see… _x_ goes into _y_ 3 times, and you derive that, square that, multiply the cosine of 30, plus _e_ , carry the 1, divded by half of pi, and express that as a parabolic equation…"

Homura flipped her hair and drew a simple "2" on the chalkboard. And she was correct.

Suddenly, Madoka got a message from Mami. "Madoka, there's a witch about. I need you to bring Mr. Vacan so he can help me fight it. This one's a big one."

Mr. Vacan said out loud, "That's what she said," which got the attention of other students.

"Madoka, hurry! This witch is making people really cranky!"

So Madoka got off of her desk, and stabbed Mr. Vacan in the arm with a pencil.

"MADOKA WHAT THE HELL." He said while his arm was slightly bleeding.

"Please Miss, I have to take Mr. Vacan to the nurse's office. He has a Class B pencil stab wound… and I need Sayaka to help me get the lead poison antidote. Come on, Sayaka." Madoka dragged her by the ear, out of the classroom. Homura was nervous.

So Mr. Vacan, Sayaka and Madoka met up with Mami, who was carrying Kyubey on her shoulder. She directed their tension to a strange portal in the school cafeteria.

"Nice portal, Mami. You make it yourself?" Madoka inquired.

"It's where the witch is hiding." Kyubey said in his :3 face. "Once you walk into this portal, you can't get out until the witch dies."

Sayaka knew what to ask next. "And, like, what if the witch doesn't, y'know, die or whatever?"

"Then you are stuck there until one of you dies." Kyubey gave a big smile. "But you will have a better chance of surviving if you make the contract with meeeeeeee."

Mr. Vacan was indignant. "No way, me and Daddy can handle this on our own, right?"

Mami heaved, which made her bosom wobble. "Of course. By the way, you owe me a new couch."

Madoka decided to be a bit nosey. "Hey Mami, what did you wish for from Kyubey?", to which Mami patted her ample chest.

"I just wanted to have bigger… opportunities. That's why I wished for a better life. Sure, I have no parents anymore… and I have no couch now – thanks a lot, Mr. Vacan – but I think I made the right choice. Now let's suit up."

So Mami and Mr. Vacan touched their gumballs and started their transformation sequence. However Mr. Vacan was upset that Mami was hogging most of the split-screen and her transformation was more elaborate.

But then Mr. Vacan observed his magical boy apparel. He was wearing a cute frilly dress with detached sleeves and had pantyhose leggings. His color scheme seemed to be mostly green, like his gumball. And his weapon was… a suitcase with a flamethrower inside it.

Mr. Vacan didn't know how to feel about his embarrassing new transformation.

"I LOVE IT! VACAN STYLE, VACAN GRACE, VACAN POWER IN YOUR pingas." He pranced around, twirling his suit case. And then it was time to enter the portal.

This witch labyrinth was a lot different to the first one Madoka and Sayaka saw. This one was filled with cake and sweets, which Kyubey was busy eating. Mami pulled out a dozen guns from inside her sleeves, ready to look for the witch. But what she didn't know was that the witch… was right in front of her!

"Aww, cute doll~ Just what I need for my doll-a-rama!" Mami picked up a cute pink thing that looked like a ragdoll in a coat.

But the witch revealed its true form, a caterpillar monster with wings, named Charlotte. Mami tried to fire her guns at it, but the bullets bounced off like peas. Mr. Vacan decided to provide his assistance by unleashing the suitcase's flames on Charlotte, but all she did in response was conjure up some marshmallows and roast them on the flames.

Sayaka was still carrying Hitomi's bag from earlier, and rummaged through it to look for something to throw at Charlotte. At least, she found something that could cause some damage.

"Like, eat cheese, you totally gross monster thingy."

A huge wheel of cheese flew towards Charlotte, but it was too heavy and landed on Mami's head instead. And when Charlotte swooped in to take a bite of the cheese…

"Mami, you look different. Did you get a haircut?" Mr. Vacan asked, as Mami's headless body collapsed without a word.

Madoka was confident. "Don't worry, she'll be alright as long as-"

But then Charlotte magically created some ice cream cones, and poked Mami's chest with them, causing her bust to deflate like a balloon until she was as flat-chested as Misty from Pokémon.

Madoka's spirit was broken.

…"MUMI WHEN"

And so Kyubey said while still nibbling on some background cake.

"Being Meguca is suffering."


	5. I'm Over Here

**Chapter 5: I'm Over Here**

Mr. Vacan, Madoka, and Sayaka had no way to stop Charlotte. She was trying to bite their heads off like she did to Mami, so they all ducked their heads into their shirts to pretend they had no heads.

Kyubey slapped Madoka and Sayaka with his ear tentacles.

"Madoka, Sayaka, you brats! Look what has happened, Mami has been killed by that witch because you didn't make a contract with me!"

Madoka questioned while wearing a professor's mortar-board and glasses. "Does that mean Mr. Vacan will be killed by the witch too?" While she said that, Mr. Vacan was still busy shooting fireballs out of his suitcase at Charlotte, but she knew to defend herself by summoning cold walls of ice cream that extinguished the flames.

Kyubey nodded while doing :3. "So unless you want Mr. Vacan to die, make the contract with me!"

Sayaka had to think about that one, but Madoka didn't want Mr. Vacan to get hurt. He did a much better job of cooking bacon and eggs than her mother could ever do.

So she adjusted her dress, pulled up her stockings, and got ready to make her contract-

"That won't be required."

Homura broke into the witch's portal, flipped her long black hair, and pulled out a round bomb, lighting the fuse.

Charlotte noticed the bomb and paused to wonder what Homura was up to.

And then Homura painted the bomb a nice shade of cherry-red, making it look like an actual cherry… a very big actual cherry. And that made Charlotte hungry for cherries, which she could not create for herself. So Homura threw the cherry bomb and Charlotte swallowed it whole, and when the bomb detonated, Charlotte exploded into a million pieces of candy, which Mr. Vacan started to collect and eat.

Homura noticed the decapitated corpse of Mami lying on the ground, looking bored, so she provided her sympathetic epitaph.

"I guess you could say Mami Tomoe…"

Homura flipped her hair and put on some sunglasses.

"…couldn't keep ahead."

**YEEEEAAAAHH-**

Madoka and Sayaka were deeply offended at Homura's harmless joke and started to cry.

Sayaka pointed out, "Like, you are soooo totally rude for not, like, showing up earlier. What kept you?"

Homura replied. "I had to find a pencil." And showed them a pencil that looked like it was used to stab something.

Meanwhile, Mr. Vacan almost chipped his teeth on a strange piece of candy. "Oww, what kind of candy is this, it's all black and round and it looks a little like my gumball…" He brought his green gumball out, which looked like there was some steam trapped in it. Kyubey hopped to Mr. Vacan and saw what he was about to do.

"Mr. Vacan, you found the witch's jelly bean!"

Mami knew Mr. Vacan would really believe it was a witch's jelly bean… if she were still alive, that is.

Kyubey continued without moving his mouth. "The jelly bean can be used to clean the steam off of your gumball."

And that's what it did. Mr. Vacan's gumball was as food as new. And Kyubey took the jelly bean for himself.

And Homura gestured to Madoka and Sayaka, once again flipping her hair. "Do you see what happens to magical girls? They die."

Madoka protested. "Mami didn't die! She got killed!"

Sayaka disagreed with Madoka. "Yeah, and like, Mr. Vacan and you so totally did not die!"

Homura shrugged. "Mr. Vacan is a magical boy. I have not learned anything about how magical boys differ from magical girls."

Then Madoka pulled out her mortar-board hat and nerd glasses while stating, "You will find that magical boys and magical girls are very different in anatomy, for you see, the magical boy has a unique body part-"

Sayaka slapped some tape over Madoka's mouth before Kyubey could hear the rest.

But Homura reiterated and repeated herself once more. "If you value your life and everything you hold dear, you will not make a contract with Kyubey Dooby Doo." Kyubey heard his name, and said "Ruh-roh!" and ran into a series of connected hallways.

And now that the witch was gone, they were all taken out of the portal and back into school.

Class was over, and Hitomi noticed Madoka and Sayaka crying because Mami was dead.

Hitomi was rude. "Sayaka, Madoka, what's wrong? Did Kyosuke die?"

But she ignored Mr. Vacan, who was not crying because he was too worried about not being able to give Mami a new couch. He sure wished that he could wish for a new couch to give to Mami, but he had already made his wish.

Also, Mami was dead.

Later that day, Madoka was sad. Homura vanished again, Mr. Vacan was busy buying more groceries, Sayaka was visiting Kyosuke, the handsome boy in the hospital, Mami was dead, and Kyubey was nowhere to be found. So she decided to take her mind off of things by going to the mall to buy herself some materials.

"I'm over here!" roared Kyubey, as he caught up with Madoka.

So they travelled to the mall together, but Madoka was still sad that Mumi's chest was turned flat by Charlotte. "Kyubey, why didn't you tell me that being a magical girl was so dangerous?"

Kyubey swaggered. "I thought you would have known. Don't you watch magical girl anime shows?"

Madoka pondered. "Not really."

While Madoka was in the mall, she noticed Hitomi walking by, carrying a lot of paper bags. She called out to get her attention, but Hitomi just ignored her as though Madoka had barfed in her cereal this morning. Madoka wanted to get up close to Hitomi to get more attention, but there she saw something odd.

There was a strange mark on Hitomi's neck.


	6. Thank You, Homura

**Chapter 6: Thank You, Homura**

Sayaka was in the hospital, listening to the violin music with Kyosuke. But as it turned out, Kyosuke was sick to death of listening to music, so he threw Sayaka's CD out of the player and tossed it into the pile of all the other CDs that she had given to him in the past week.

"Sayaka why didn't you tell me Lady Gaga likes violin?..." Kyosuke threw his headphones off in slow motion, with sparkle effects to show off his handsomeness.

"Ha ha, Kyosuke, you are so hot! I'm like, in love with you, totally", Sayaka swooned.

But Kyosuke sucked. "Sayaka… help me… It hurts to live…" Kyosuke reached for his life support plug, but his busted hand could not yank it off the power point.

Sayaka could tell he was serious.

"OH EMM GEE, you are so totally making me ELL OH ELL! We should, like, hang out sometime."

Meanwhile, Madoka was not so lucky.

"Hitomi why aren't you paying any tension to me? Is it because I killed your pet duck by running my Lego bus on it? Or because I covered your oranges in super-spicy chili pepper sauce at lunchtime when you weren't looking? I'm sorry about that… more or less!" Madoka was already feeling bad, but now being spurned made her feel bad.

But Madoka then realized that the mark on Hitomi's neck was affecting her psyche. Good thing she minored in Supernatural Psychology, right guys?

"Ah, it must have been a vampire! I have to save her before she gets turned into one too!" She applied her knowledge, and knew how to siphon the vampire's blood off of Hitomi's veins.

So she leapt with a huge amount of might and, stretching her arm, planted her hand on Hitomi's wrist, obtaining the vampire venom.

"NOW I'VE GOT YOUR POWER!"

Hitomi promptly responded by slugging Madoka in the jaw, sending her flying. Madoka's ego was bruised, but she was glad to see that Hitomi had learned the art of giving no fucks. Kyubey returned from the mall's food court, carrying a plate of cheesy nachos.

"Hey Madoka, why the long face? Have a nacho!" Kyubey could somehow eat without moving his :3-ing mouth.

"I'm sad because I annoyed Hitomi and that made her mad at me and she yelled at me and it hurt my feelings."

It became apparent to Kyubey that he would have to tell Madoka what was really going on with her. She needed to know that Hitomi had been affected by a witch's kiss and was being driven into killing herself in a complicated manner, and that the witch in the area needed to be killed to dispel the kiss.

"Welp, have fun with that." He said while licking the cheese off of the nachos and then putting them back on the plate.

Madoka was persistent, so she decided to shadow Hitomi as she was walking out of the mall with her paper bags. She sneaked around with expert stealth, which was no problem due to having finished Assassin's Scrolls on Mami's Wiistation 360. When they got to the car park, she saw that Hitomi was presenting the paper bags to other people, who also had witch's kisses on their necks, among other places.

Since there were more people about, Madoka had to increase her sneakiness by 20 tokens. So she put on her Captain Falcon helmet to hide her face.

And then Hitomi pulled the stuff out of the paper bags. She started with the punch bowl, then the ladle, then the fruit punch syrup, then the sparkling water, then the mixing spoon, then the arsenic, then the rat poison, then the toaster with forks stuck in it, then the rabid piranhas, and finally the enclosed instruction book.

Madoka saw the ingredients, and was furious that Hitomi had made new friends to have a tea party with. Had she no respect at all for her friendship with Madoka and Sayaka? She needed to sneak even closer to sabotage the tea party.

" **FALCON… SNEAK!"**

Madoka's hammy interjection roused the attention of the group, and Hitomi pointed right at their target.

"Kill her! Kill the non-believer!"

Like an angry mob, they all chased after Madoka, who could do nothing but run away.

She ran and ran, dodging the pitchforks and torches they threw at her. One of the people there was a giant gorilla wearing a tie, who tried to flatten Madoka by rolling barrels in her direction. She managed to jump high enough to dodge them, and then pulled out a hammer to smash them before they got too close. In that frenzy, she accidentally fell into the witch's portal nearby.

The witch was much different to Charlotte. It looked like a girl in a box with a dapper handlebar mustache. It opted not to attack, but summoned its minions to stretch Madoka's arms and legs like taffy. Madoka was defenceless, now that her hammer had disappeared. She had no idea what to do, especially since the taffy level was never included in Assassin's Scrolls.

Madoka screamed for help, "FALCON… HELP! FALCON… HELP!" However, she realized that the only other people who could help her were the angry mob, so all she could do was sob as her limbs turned chewy and saline.

But then… someone saved her. The witch and her minions were easily eviscerated.

Madoka shook her Captain Falcon helmet off so she could see her savior.

"Thank you Homura, I knew you would save me and that's why I-"

Sayaka turned. "OH-EMM-GEE, Madoka, you need, like, glasses. I'm Sayaka, not Mr. Vacan." She waved her magical girl sword, twirled it like a magical girl cane, and shoved it in her magical girl pocket.

Meanwhile, Kyubey was busy consulting a new friend who just moved into town.

"So if you pass GO, you get $200 for free. Also, you should always buy the railroads and the electric company. By the by, Mami died." He said it without a hint of sorrow and a :3 on his face.

"Welp, then this town is all mine, fuck yeah!" said Kyoko Sakura, the girl that Kyubey was talking to. In celebration, she tore open a bag of chips and began eating the bag, throwing the chips in the garbage bin.

Kyubey blew bubbles out of the pipe he was smoking. "Umm, not quite. There are still some magical girls you might wanna watch out for. Homura Akemi, she's the girl who always flips her hair. She hates pickles."

Kyoko raged with a mouth full of potato chip bag.

"And then there's Sayaka Miki, I just made a contract with her. It was like shooting fish in a barrel."

By coincidence, a barrel flew through the window to land in the room, and it contained a fish. Kyubey pulled out a sniper rifle and hit the fish with amazing accuracy. Kyoko then ate the fish raw. "Mmm, still warm."

Kyubey continued while filling the barrel with boiling water and then relaxing in it like a hot tub. "And then there's a magical boy. It's weird, he's the first boy to ever make a contract with me. And his name is…"

Mr. Vacan sneezed. Unfortunately for him, he sneezed all over the couch he was looking at in the furniture store. He had to wipe it off quick, or risk paying $3500.


	7. Sorry To Keep You Waiting

**Chapter 7: Sorry To Keep You Waiting**

Madoka wondered how Sayaka was able to save her.

"Sayaka, you are an idiot for accepting Kyubey's contract offer. He used you just so you could waste your wish to save me. He played you like a well-stringed violin, good sir."

Sayaka was reminded of something, based on Madoka's incoherent blathering.

"I'm, like, not a good sir or whatever, Madoka, talk to the hand, you are so totally rude."

Madoka's seething fury was only exacerbated further, so she pulled out a frying pan and whacked Sayaka on the noggin, which made her stop talking like an annoying valley girl.

"THANKS MADOKA." She boomed in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. Then she remembered. "I HAVE TO GO TO DAS HOSPITAL. I'LL BE BACK."

Madoka sighed. Why were things always so complicated in life? All she wanted was to be loved, respected and given plenty of bacon and eggs. She liked bacon and eggs… but she hated how Mr. Vacan called it Vacan and eggs. WTF wazzup widdat?

Mr. Vacan returned from the furniture shop to meet up with Madoka, he was drinking a milkshake too. He did not notice Sayaka departing for some reason, and Hitomi was apparently transported home when the witch left.

"Hey, Madoka. Where'd Kyubey go?"

Madoka tilted her head. "I DON'T CARE."

Mr. Vacan noticed Madoka's sincerity. "Let's try the hospital… after donuts." Madoka smiled. Donuts were her favourite doughnut-shaped food.

Meanwhile, Sayaka walked into Kyosuke's hospital room, but he was not there. All she saw was the open window with wind blowing the curtains.

"WHERE IS MY BOYFRIEND."

The nurse scuttled in like a giant beetle in scrubs… No, there aren't any giant beetles in Scrubs, the show.

"Is you lookin' for Kyosuke? His hand is all better now. We is good doctors. We fix him up quickish."

The nurse scuttled back under the sink, disappearing out of sight.

Sayaka searched high and low for Kyosuke, but she could not find him. The last place she chose to look was in his old house. However, the front door was locked. Sayaka assumed that Kyosuke must have gotten bored with her and didn't want to see her anymore. That made her sad.

"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART KYUSKOO."

Kyoko dashed behind Sayaka, holding some rice balls and popping a few in her mouth, chewing. "Sorry to keep you waiting." This made Sayaka turn to smell the food.

"WHAT AHHHRE YOU EATING?"

Kyoko noticed her Schwarzenegger voice and played along. "It might be a tuna."

Sayaka replied predictably. "IT'S NOT A TUNA!" Kyoko clapped.

"Actually, it's a ri-( ** _JELLY DONUT)_** -ll." Kyoko was confused. It was as though someone was putting words in her mouth. She didn't usually like the taste of words.

"Ahem, I said it's a r- ** _(HAMBURGER)_**." Kyoko then noticed the 4Kids employee skulking about. She pulled out her weapon, a spear, and sliced him in the heart. However he was not bleeding.

He writhed in agony. "Help me… I'm dying- I mean, I'm getting sucked into the Shadow Realm…" And then he vanished in a puff of smoke.

"WHO DA HELL AHHRE YOU?" Sayaka asked.

Kyoko posed like Buzz Lightyear. "My name is… Kyoko Sakuraaaaaaaaa~!" A top hat landed on her head and she twirled her spear like a cane, beginning a musical number.

" _My name is Kyoko, I love hot cocoa, my favorite Mario RPG character is Croco, he makes me go loco…_ Well damn, I have no more rhymes. Anyway, I see you made a contract with Kyubey. Tsk, tsk, tsk."

Kyubey sat on Kyoko's shoulder, in maximum :3-ness. "Hi Kyoko~ Remember when I shot the fish in the barrel and you ate it?"

Kyoko ignored Kyubey. "I'm a magical girl too, and I can't have you slaying witches and taking their jellybeans now… There aren't enough to go round, so stop being a greedy little pest, you greedy little pest!"

Sayaka realized Kyoko just wanted to be friends with her, so she decided to defuse the tension by making a friendly gesture.

"HASTA LA VISTA, BABY."

She slashed at Kyoko with her sword, but she blocked with her spear.

Suddenly Homura appeared, giving Madoka a piggyback ride.

" **STOOOOP FIGHTING!"** she yelled while flipping her hair.

Mr. Vacan heard Homura flipping her hair and jumped out of Kyosuke's bedroom window, landing right in between Kyoko and Sayaka.

"Hey guys, what's up?" He asked, twirling in place.

Homura noticed that the gang was all here, she had some juicy gossip to spread, and so she did.

"Ooh, ooh, I have some very important things to say, everyone." She flipped her hair in mid-sentence. "I heard that in a few weeks, we're gonna get a special visitor, squeeee."

Mr. Vacan shifted is eyes. "Is it Mami?"

Homura snarled. "No, you dunderhead, Mami Tomoe is dead. She died. The real special guest star is..."

Kyoko was eating a sandwich while Homura was talking and accidentally spilled a cloud of pepper on her nose, which made her sneeze without flipping her hair.

"Wa-wa-wa-walpurgisnacht!" She got a little snot on Madoka's ribbons, which made her sad.

Sayaka interjected. "GESUNDHEIT."


	8. Lemme AXE You Something

**Chapter 8: Lemme AXE You Something**

All of the magical girls and boy were there to hear Homura's important announcement, but they didn't seem to care at all.

Homura shrugged like a devil. Obviously if nobody cared about the incoming threat, it was their own fault. She skipped away, with Madoka still clinging on like a backpack.

Sayaka still wanted to fight Kyoko, but Mr. Vacan was standing in between them, playing Call of Poopy on his Super Game Boy.

But Kyoko knew better and jumped over Mr. Vacan using her jumping powers. Such an action shocked Sayaka and made her unable to defend herself. That gave Kyoko time to deliver a snappy one-liner.

"Hey Sayaka, lemme AXE you something."

Then she slammed Sayaka on the head with the flat side of her blade, knocking her unconscious. Kyoko smiled. Now the next witch's jellybean would be hers for sure. Kyubey poked his :3-filled head in when he saw Sayaka's limp body, but was a little disappointed in Kyoko for not slicing her head off like she would have done to Mami.

"Hey, hey Kyoko, check her pockets for cash."

Upon inspection, Kyoko saw that Sayaka had 3 golden coins and a paper clip. As expected, she ate them.

Madoka was taken home by Homura, and still nobody else in her family had returned from their trips, so she remained pretty lonely. Luckily for her, she learnt how to operate their American-made home phone, so maybe she could call her mother.

"So all I have to do is put my finger in the number holes and turn the thingy for every number… ARCEUS HAVE MERCY ON ME I DIDN'T STUDY FOR THIS."

Madoka winged it and dialed the first phone number that came to mind, but it was the wrong number.

"Hello, Moe's Tavern."

Madoka was nonplussed. "I'm looking for a Mrs. Kaname, first name Junko."

The voice in the phone responded kindly. "Hang on, lemme check. Hey, I'm looking for a Junko Kaname. Is there a Junko Kaname in here? Hey everybody, Junko Kaname!"

Madoka heard laughing coming from the other side, and then the kind voice began again.

"Listen, you. When I find you, I'm gonna shove some termites in your ears and stick some chopsticks up your nose, you little sack of-"

Madoka dropped the receiver down like it was hot. She came to the conclusion that her mother was far too busy with her job to talk to Madoka. But it was okay, Madoka knew her mother so well, that she would know exactly what her mother would say.

She did her mother's hairstyle and an impression of her voice. _"Madoka, what is the matter?"_

Madoka switched back to her own voice. "I'm worried about Sayaka."

She kept switching back and forth to keep the conversation going.

" _Who's Sayaka?"_

"She's my friend from school."

" _The girl with green hair?"_

"No, silly, that's Hitomi."

" _Oh… what's wrong with Sayaka?"_

"She's broody and she has an AHHHNOLD accent now."

" _A what?"_

"…Never mind."

" _Well, if you want my advice, you should make some new friends. Also, eat more of Mr. Vacan's bacon and eggs."_

"Did Mr. Vacan tell you to say that to me?"

Mr. Vacan was summoned to the room at the mention of his name. He was tired of Madoka hogging the spotlight. After all, he was a lot magicer than she was.

"Madoka, stop talking to yourself. The doctor said he was tired of that."

Madoka frowned thoughtfully. He was right, but what was she going to do about Sayaka? And why did Homura flip her hair so much, she wondered? Life sure got a lot more complicated when she met Kyubey. Madoka hated Kyubey for not going into the Poke Ball she bought for him.

She thought it over, and the best thing to do was to assassinate Kyosuke so that Sayaka would not have anything to obsess over. But since she had no way of doing so, she needed the help of someone she could trust… a magical boy maybe? She knew who would be best suited for the job.

"SAYAKA CAN YOU HELP ME ASSASSINATE KYOSUKE THE HANDSOME BOY?"

But Sayaka was still unconscious and slumped on the front door of her house. How dod Kyoko know where to leave her? "Oh well," Madoka thought. "I'd better ask someone else, like Kyubey."

And then Hitomi was dumbfounded at Madoka's request to help her assassinate Kyosuke.

"GIRLS CAN'T ASSASSINATE BOYS! GIRLS CAN'T ASSASSINATE BOYS!" And then she fell into a deep trance of depression, lying on her back with her arms crossed. And so Madoka concluded that she had to take it upon herself to handle this.

She retreated into her basement to make her plans.

Meanwhile, Homura was busy with her own agenda. Maybe Kyoko would take her more seriously if they talked in private. Luckily for her, Kyoko was busy at the arcade, playing her favorite game, DDR, and eating her favorite food, everything.

Kyoko started up a 2-player song by accident, so Homura danced with her while making her point.

"Kyoko Sakura. The biggest baddest witch of them all is coming in a few weeks and you don't even care. How can you live with yourself?"

Kyoko replied through a mouthful of orange peels.

"I dunno, lol."

They passed the song with a winning score. Homura flipped her hair, chose the next song, and continued the game.

"Don't you care about what happens to Madoka Kaname?" She said while slamming her feet upon the arrow pads in a rhythmic manner.

Kyoko, who was also dancing, took a bite out of her Krabby Patty. "She's not even a magical girl. Who cares?"

Homura was struggling to keep up, her long hair kept getting in the way. "If Kyubey suckers Madoka into making a contract with him, then we might have a chance. But that would be…"

Homura did the goat-horns hand gesture to go with the end of the second song.

" **BAAAAAAADDDD, SUCKA!"**

Kyubey was busy playing on the crane machine, trying to win himself a plush lobster. "Homura, stop being such a wet blanket. If Madoka makes le contract with me, she will make sure there are no more witches to bother anyone… right?"

But Homura knew the truth. With a flip of the hair, she jumped out of the building, and disappeared.

Kyoko put a dollop of BBQ sauce on her pancakes, and ate the sandwich in one bite, savoring the flavor of the maple syrup.

"Who cares about Madoka? Sayaka's the real main character of this show."

Kyubey blew bubbles out of his horn-rimmed pipe. "Indeed."


	9. Now I Have Been Defeated In Battle

**Chapter 9: Now I Have Been Defeated In Battle**

Sayaka woke up from unconsciousness. She was as happy as could be, except for the part where Kyoko clocked her on the head with a spear.

"Yarrgh, I be happy as can be, for me first mate Kyosuke be nursed back to health, safe as a swaddling babe. His precious booty shall soon belong to Captain Sayaka Miki, smartest magical girl of the Seven Seas, yahahar!"

And that was when Kyubey appeared with a popping sound and an explosion of streamers and confetti.

"Heeeeere's Kyubey!" he said while holding his pipe like an axe.

Sayaka tried to make Kyubey walk the plank, but he had no ship, nor crew, nor ocean.

"Arrgh, if I had meself a ship upon the briney deep, you'd be walking the plank 'fore you could speak another word. Fortunate circumstances for a bilge rat such as yerself, Kyubey."

Kyubey didn't care about Sayaka playing pirate. "Sayaka, you silly sausage. Have you checked your gumball lately? Well, have you?"

As Sayaka could see, her magical girl gumball was almost blackened with a strange mist. Kyubey put on his serious :3 face, he knew that it was a bad sign for Sayaka, and she would have to find more witches' jellybeans to make her gumball clean once more.

"You're fucked, son. Shouldn't have used so much magic to fight dem crazy-ass witches."

Just then, Madoka arrived, wearing her usual clothes, except they were all painted in camouflage pattern. She did a very flashy version of parkour, jumping about like Spiderman combined with Genghis Khan.

"Spiderkhan? I love that guy!" Kyubey exclaimed.

And just like that, Madoka snatched away Sayaka's gumball and tossed it into a lake, making her faint once more.

Kyubey was so mad at Madoka, he did his :3 face to show how truly furious he was at Madoka's cardinal sin.

"Madoka, you did a very bad thing, you're going straight to Hell… o, Madoka. Nice day today, right?"

Madoka noticed that Sayaka was no longer moving, she looked like a mannequin, except she looked like a mannequin of Sayaka.

"Kyubey what h-"

Kyubey interrupted. "If you really wanted Sayaka dead, you should have just wished for her to die, or you could have poisoned her rum. But instead, you were an idiot and threw her gumball into a lake, where it will get eaten by a fish or something. Didn't I tell you that magical girls need to keep their gumballs on their person at all times? …No? Whoops!"

Madoka had no time to punish Kyubey for keeping the truth from her. She had to disguise herself as Sayaka to get close to Kyosuke.

After a humbling realization and heavy doses of milkshakes, Kyoko realized that Sayaka was not a bad person after all, and that even though she needed witch's jellybeans, she was a magical girl too, and they all needed the jellybeans. So she decided to make amends so that they could become better friends than Rocky and Bullwinkle.

"Hey Sayaka." Kyoko bit into a raw pineapple while talking to Sayaka's unmoving body. "Sorry I was such a bitch to you. But I just met you, so this is crazy, so here's my sword, AND MY AXE." She threw an axe made of chocolate to Sayaka, and it bounced off of her arm.

"You see, I made a wish too. I was a lonely little girl whose father had a church, but nobody came to his sermons. So Kyubey came to me, and before I could cook him, he let me make a wish. And you know what I wished for?"

No response.

"I wished that they gave out free popcorn at his church. And that made more people come. But one day someone died while choking on a kernel, and my father was ruined. He had to cook himself to feed the rest of us." Kyoko cried, while taking a big bite of a huge onion. "Mmm, this onion sure is onion-y."

And Mr. Vacan, who hated onions, slapped the onion out of Kyoko's harm. This pushed Kyoko's mood, she hated whenever food was wasted, there were starving magical girls in third-world planets after all.

"You!... You're just as bad as that Homura chick. Even if she's good at DDR, she's a damn dirty cheater when it comes to air hockey. Just like you!" Kyoko whipped out her spear, and sliced the fallen onion into onion rings, and then tossed them to Mr. Vacan.

But Mr. Vacan's weakness was not onion rings, he could easily block them with his suitcase. That was his time to use the suitcase's flamethrower to cook the onion rings to make them crispy and golden-brown.

While the battle raged on, Madoka was sneaking about Kyosuke's backyard, where he was sunbathing even though it was late in the evening. She put on her Sayaka disguise, and threw a pebble at his head to wake him up.

"Hey, who threw that pebble on my head to wake me up?!" Kyosuke grumbled.

And then Madoka skipped merrily over, hiding her knife behind her back. "Hi-sies, lover boy. It's me, Sayaka… Sayaka whatever-I-told-you-what-my-last-name-was."

Kyosuke was happy to see Sayaka. "Oh, thank goodness you came to see me, Madoka-I mean, Sayaka."

Madoka bowed, twirling the knife behind her back. "Not a problem, Lunchmeat-I mean, Kyosuke… no wait, Lunchmeat."

Kyosuke checked his moonlight-tan, and screamed at the result. "Sayaka, I think I know why my hand was healed so suddenly."

Madoka denied the existence of magical girls. _"And there was Kyosuke, trying to play violin, and here comes his death, and just before the hospital decided to kick him out, his hand got better! And all the kids cheered! But I didn't cheer. I stood right up and started shouting, 'This isn't what happened last week! Have you all got amnesia? They just cheated us! This isn't fair!_ ** _HE DIDN'T GET HEALED BY COCKADOODIE MAGICAL GIRL POWERS!'"_**

Kyosuke scratched his beautiful head. "Wut."

Madoka had nothing more to say, so she held out her hand to let Kyosuke continue.

"I figured out that my hand injury was all just a weird dream that I had in a coma at the hospital, and that my hand was fine all along. Funny story, right? I mean, people usually can't tell when they go into comas, but-"

Madoka's knifing hand slipped, and Kyosuke paid the price. But at least her plan was complete. Now that Kyosuke was out of the way, it was okay to give Sayaka her gumball now.

Kyoko and Mr. Vacan were equally impressive fighters… or so you would think.

Actually Kyoko had curbstomped Mr. Vacan with no effort, as she had gained much energy from eating the deep-fried onion rings, and gained their power of onion.

"Now I have been defeated in battle." Mr. Vacan whined.

Kyoko was annoyed at having to waste time battling some nobody, but she was more concerned at Sayaka's situation. Vultures were starting to circle over her body.

"What are vultures doing in Japan?" she thought while nibbling on a pretzel.

And then Madoka returned, dragging a sack behind her.

"Good news, everyone!" She said in her best Farnsworth impression. "I have a surprise for you, Sayaka! It's in this sack!"

Before unconscious Sayaka could not-reply, a barrel flew in their direction, and Mr. Vacan had to pull Madoka out of the way to stop her from getting smashed. The barrel contained one fish, and Kyubey jumped out of the bushes, holding his sniper rifle. But before he could shoot…

"That won't be crucial."

Homura appeared out of nowhere, flipped her hair and fired a revolver at the fish in the barrel. It died, and burped out something shiny and blue, which landed in Sayaka's hands.

Sayaka woke up, with yet another different accent, of course.

"What ah you wee pansies lookin' at? You want tah see what ah'm wehrin undah me kilt or somethin'?" For some reason bagpipe music was playing while she was talking.

It was in fact Homura practicing her bagpipe piece.

"You playin' bagpipes jus cuz ah'm a Scot, ahre ya? I got a sworrrrd with yer nayme on it, wee lassie."

Sayaka was belligerent, and so took a swig of whiskey to stoke the blood in her veins. She yelled at Madoka.

"You li'le sack of 'aggis, why ahre ya such a coward? Even Mr. Vacan took Kyubeh's magical gal offer, and now 'e's in a bloody dress!"

Mr. Vacan did a small pirouette.

"Oh, ye got nothin' to wish for, eh lass? Why dinnah yeh wish fer a bloody pair of balls so yeh won't be such a baby?"

Madoka snarled.

"Oh wot's that? Ye feelin' sahrrrry fer yeh-self, lass? Try bein' a Japanese and Sco'ish magical gal, then we'll tahk! Now play me off, Homura!"

Homura flipped her hair, and then played a bagpipe rendition of the Keyboard Cat song while Sayaka marched off.

Kyoko finished the rest of the fish, and gave chase.

And Kyubey looked eagerly at Madoka. Maybe now she would come to her senses and contract with him.


	10. Snoopen Is Usual, I See

**Chapter 10: Snoopen Is Usual, I See**

As Sayaka marched the Scottish March of the Scotsmen, she remembered what Madoka had done to her. She threw her magical gumball into a lake and that made her faint. Why didn't Kubey tell her that magical girls needed their balls? That made Sayaka mad enough to tear her favorite tartan patterned sash.

"That wee lying piece a' filth! I'll coot him oop and tuhn 'is bloody entrails into a new pahr of drrrrrapes!"

Then she tripped over a cardboard box, which tipped over to reveal Kyubey hiding in it. He did the ! over his head like Metal Gear Solid does when he gets found out.

"Snooopen is usual, I see!" growled Sayaka.

Kyubey sauntered like a smug-ass motherfucker. "Aw shit, Sayaka, I had something real juicy to tell ya… but now I forgot."

Sayaka was not in the mood for Kyubey's cryptic riddles. "Ach, gew jump into a loch, I dinnae have time ta deel whath the likes ef yeh!"

And so Sayaka marched on, unaware that she was bound for a steep flight of inclined steps.

"I cannae wait tah be a trrrrue Scot and drink all this scotch!" boasted Sayaka as she pulled out a small bottle.

And then…

"Ach, fook! Ah'm fuhllen down all these bloody stairs!" Sayaka tumbled like a slinky. She made bouncing noises as her perilous descent ensued.

Kyubey took a photo. "I warned you about stairs bro! I told you dog!"

Sayaka tried to drink the scotch to relive her pain, but the rolling made it hard for her to drink. "It keeps happening, bloody hell!"

The camera did a close-up on Kyubey so extreme you could see his skin cells. "I TOLD YOU MAN."

Kyubey laughed.

"I TOLD YOU ABOUT STAIRS."

Sayaka didn't think it was so funny. "Yeh think tha' was a juke, yeh piss?"

Kyubey nodded.

Sayaka was about to tear Kyubey a new one with her fists but the empty scotch bottle fell and landed on her head, knocking her out.

Kyubey should have told Sayaka that a fall like that would be fatal without the powers of the gumball, but he wasn't afraid. He knew that Mr. Vacan needed someone to play Mario Kart with, and so he took off.

The next morning, Sayaka woke up in her bed. And guess what?

Yup, another new accent.

"Yo, what da hell? Why's I at my pad?! And where is Kyubey, that sumbitch?!"

And at that moment she was greeted by Kyoko of all people, who came in to offer her a nice plate of breakfast in bed; a delicious array of toast crumbs, orange peel and an empty glass that smelled like milk.

"Hey Sayaka, I heard about what happened. Here's a nice tasty breakfast… burp."

Sayaka was impressed by Kyoko's visual presentation of the food.

"Yo dawg, where my Vacan and eggs at?"

Kyoko had no idea what Sayaka was babbling on about, so she just shrugged and threw Sayaka's school clothes on her in a flash, and pushed her out the door. And as usual, Madoka, Mr. Vacan and Hitomi were waiting for her so they could all walk together. Mr. Vacan in particular had a lot to talk about.

"Man, I would have won that race if Kyubey didn't decide to pick Toadette! You know that shortcut in Rainbow Road? Yeah, he totally abused the hell out of it. Not cool, man."

Nobody commented, so it was Hitomi's turn to talk. "Hello Sayaka, I-"

Madoka interrupted. "Sayaka, you Juicy Fruit-chewing baka, where's my money?" She was still carrying the sack from yesterday, which was starting to smell a bit funky.

Sayaka whipped out a gun and pointed it at Madoka.

"Shut yo face. I ain't got no fuckin' money."

Hitomi gasped. "Sayaka, put that gun away, you might shoot Kyosuke, and if he dies, that'd make me very sad. I'm in love with Kyosuke, it seems."

Madoka smiled nervously, and swung her sack about to make it hit the ground over and over.

Sayaka heard what she said, and felt like she could snap Hitomi's weak little neck for even thinking of hooking up with handsome Kyosuke.

And Mr. Vacan was carving a duck sculpture out of soap.

After school was done, Madoka noticed that Homura was nowhere to be seen for the entire day, not even when she and the others met up at Burger King like they always did.

Mr. Vacan ate his burger. "Maybe she went to McDonald's."

And then Kyubey appeared with his basket of fries. "You know who else sucks at Mario Kart? Homura Akemi."

Madoka was trying to act happy and enjoy her kid's meal, but she could not defuse the tension between Sayaka and Hitomi, who were glaring invisible daggers at each other, which ended up bouncing off of one another and falling to the ground. So Madoka thought she could calm them down with a song.

"A-ahem… _My Little Pony, My Little Pony, la-la-la-laaaah, My Little Pony…_ _  
_I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony)-"__

Kyubey stuffed a fistful of fries in Madoka's mouth to stop her from singing.

"Fucking bronies."

Sayaka agreed. "Bronies is gay." And then she rushed to the bathroom to flush all of her Rainbow Dash pencils down the toilet. When she returned, it was back to glaring daggers with Hitomi.

So Mr. Vacan finished his jumbo double deluxe burger and discussed with Madoka. "Hey Madoka, how about them witches?"

Madoka tried to speak through the fistful of fries in her mouth. "Mmmph."

Kyubey then stuffed another fistful of fries in Mr. Vacan's mouth. "No talking about _itches-way_ in front of _Itomi-hay_. She's not an _agical-may irl-gay_."

Mr. Vacan observed. "Of course she's not gay. She's in love with Kyosuke."

And then the Burger King waiter appeared to collect their plates. Yes, they have waiters in Japanese Burger King. Amazing, huh?

"May I take your pl- OWW WHAT ARE THESE DAGGERS DOING ON THE FLOOR!"

Hitomi could not take any more interruptions; she had to confess her undying love to Kyosuke. So she whistled to summon her flying Dr. Wily saucer, wiggled her eyebrows, and got in.

As the saucer flew away, Madoka remarked. "I always thought she was making that up."

Sayaka ran off too, even though she could never catch up to Hitomi… unless, she took the train.

She ran to the station and the conductor asked, "Where is your ticket, madam?"

Sayaka replied. "Aw shit, I need a bitch-ass ticket? Dafuck… I got mah ticket right here, dawg," and pulled out a knife.

The conductor wasn't amused. "You call that a knife? This is a knife!" And at that, he pulled out a much huger knife. "Now where is your ticket?!"

Sayaka had her ticket in her front pocket all along. "Ballin'." The conductor used the knife to punch a hole in the ticket, confirming its use.

As Sayaka got in the train, she sat next to some other gangsters. As soon as she spotted their red bandannas, her Crip heart filled with hatred against these filthy Bloods.

"Wha' you want?" She instigated.

The Blood gangstas responded formally.

"Aw shiiit, lookit dat Crip bitch… or as we sometimes call them, a Critch."

"Bitch, don' waste our time. We got 420 bags o' weed to smoke."

Sayaka was intrigued.

"Erry day?"

"Yup, erry fuckin' day."

This was the final straw for Sayaka. If there was anything worse than a childhood friend trying to make a cuckold out of her, it was Bloods who kept all the weed for themselves.

"You bitches jus' lucky I ain't got no other Crips in here. We'd bust so many caps in yo ass."

Her prestigious challenge was met with a calm rebuttal.

"Bring it, Critch."

And Sayaka's seething rage was finally unleashed.


	11. Eeeeeek!

**Chapter 11: Eeeeeek!**

Madoka, Mr. Vacan, and Kyubey were hiding out inside the old abandoned cardboard box factory. They felt a disturbance in the force.

Kyubey realized how dire the situation was, so he put on his most dire :3 face. "Welp, Madoka. It finally happend. Sayaka's jealousy and anger has turned her into a witch."

Mr. Vacan was so surprised, he dropped the tortilla he was looking at. "Can magical girls turn into witches?"

Kyubey hid inside another cardboard box. "Yup. Funny story, that's how all witches are made. There's no way to stop it from happening. It's almost like something J. K. Rowling made up, huh?"

Madoka pondered. "What if you wished to get rid of all the witches?"

And then Kyubey pushed his face directly up to Madoka's. Despite his unchanging expression, he was pretty perplexed at Madoka's impertinent suggestion.

"No more cocaine for you, Madoka." That made Madoka do a hilarious sadface.

Mr. Vacan had an alternative suggestion. "Should we fight Sayaka's witch form?"

Madoka didn't have her mortar-board hat or nerd glasses, so she had to use cardboard imitations. "Perhaps. I do believe Sayaka can be saved if the equilibrium of her mind's psyche is properly calibrated."

Kyubey grimaced. He knew Meduka's plan was stupid. However, he had a cunning plan of his own. So what he did was stuff some candy in a tin can, and place it on the box Madoka was using as a seat. Since the candy was all melty and the tin can was so flimsy, she ended up with a squished can of stickiness on her non-magical girl ass.

And that was when Kyoko's food senses were activated. She noticed that Madoka was sitting on her sweet can. And so, with a bar of sea salt ice cream in her mouth, she got her groping fingers ready…

" _Eeeeeek!"_ A bloodcurdling gasp resounded within the confines of the warehouse; apparently Kyoko had been too firm in her practice of groping.

"Sorry, Mr. Vacan. I was aiming for Madoka."

Kyubey wagged his tail like a dog. "Kyoko, Kyoko, Kyoko. Will you help us fight Sayaka's witch form?"

Kyoko thought about it, while chewing the corner of a piece of Juicy Fruit gum.

"First I get to grab Madoka's sweet can, then we'll talk."

Meanwhile, Hitomi had managed to make it to Kyosuke's house without attracting too much attention, which was hard because her flying saucer made that high pitched sound it always makes. And there, she saw in the backyard the lawn chair that Kyosuke was using to work on his moonlight tan, but no cute boy occupying said chair. All she saw was a knife plunged into the ground, having impaled a skimpy pair of swimming trunks. Hitomi put together all the pieces in this deadly puzzle.

"KYOSUKE WHY DID YOU TELL MADOKA TO ASSISTED SUICIDE YOURSELF?!"

Hitomi mourned, lamenting the tragic loss of the boy she loved ever since she found out that Sayaka loved him too.

"Yawn, is it morning already?"

Hitomi turned around. And there was Kyooskoo. But he was not dead; however his skin was pale from all that moonlight, and he had to wear a barrel around his body.

"Kyosuke, my love, I am so glad Madoka did not kill you. I would have been demonstrated by that."

Scratching his barrel, Kyosuke nodded, and Hitomi was mildly pleased by this delicious turn of events.

"YEEEEESSS!... YEEEEESSSS!..." she exclaimed as the camera closed up on her face, to heroic bagpipe music, the same kind that played when M. Bison watched the Street Fighter characters getting beat up.

Kyosuke was about to explain what really happened, but a gorilla in a tie picked him up in his barrel suit, and hurled him into the distance.

He realized what he had done, and began to enunciate some insightful platitudes. "Zounds, Donkey Kong throw barrel containing violinist boy, not fish. Great shame befall Donkey Kong as mortified schoolgirl look on."

Meanwhile, Mr. Vacan and Kyoko had already made it to Sayaka's witch lair, while Madoka and Kyubey stood by with popcorn, which Kyoko kept grabbing handfuls from. Witch Sayaka kept launching rolling wheels while her backup dancers did the Gangnam Style dance, hopping like Korean Chinese jiangshi vampires. Madoka had only her sack of smelly tomatoes that she stole from Kyosuke's vegetable garden to defend herself, but still she tried to free Sayaka from her witch trance.

Kyubey observed the battle through his opera glasses. "Lul."

While Kyoko could deflect the rolling wheels with ease, she was defenceless against the rocket-powered vuvuzelas that Sayaka fired. Their high pitched buzzing somehow extinguished the flames from Mr. Vacan's briefcase.

"Fucking magnets." Mr. Vacan complained.

Madoka flung rotten tomatoes to attract Sayaka's attention. "SAYAKA COME BACK TO US. YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND. ME AND YOU AND HITOMI WERE LIKE THE THREE MUSKETEERS. I WAS ATHOS AND YOU WERE PORTHOS. EVEN THOUGH ARAMIS SUCKS, HITOMI WANTED TO BE ARAMIS. AND MR. VACAN IS D'ARTAGNAN, I GUESS. ALL FOR ONE AND MOST FOR SOME."

But Sayaka was not won over by Madoka's asinine pep rally. The witch influence, combined with her Crip aggressiveness, caused her to lose all semblance of empathy. And so she hurled more vuvuzelas at Madoka, bopping her on the head. Madoka had to hide in the sack of tomatoes to ease the pain, the smell was much too strong for her but there was no other choice.

Of course Kyoko, who firmly believed in the wellbeing of food, could not stand to see these stinky tomatoes being defiled. There was only one way to stop Sayaka, but it meant that she had to take Jurassic measures.

So she charged up the power in her gumball, and raised her arms up to do a Spirit Bomb.

Mr. Vacan considered Kyoko crazy for attempting to perform a feat such as this

"You heinous rapscallion, your endeavours would be futile when considering that your manouever would require an additional 12 chapters to conclude."

But Kyoko knew what she was doing, and called on the power of all the tomatoes in the sack, multiplying the power of the Sprite Bomb and making it charge quicker. With all her might, she hurled it at Sayaka, whose wheels and vuvuzelas could not withstand the force.

The resulting explosion was so strong that Madoka, Kyubey and Mr. Vacan were flung out of the witch's barrier, which began to collapse upon itself.

Kyoko and Sayaka were gone for good.

Madoka cried.

Mr. Vacan cried.

The sack of tomatoes cried.

Kyubey did :3.

Meanwhile, Homura was out in the Kawasaki Stadium in the middle of their city. She was trying to put some complicated device together while flipping her hair, but she held her blueprints upside-down.

"Pass me a dynamic quantogenerator, please." She said while examining an open panel.

"Here you go," said another girl.

"Thanks." Homura flipped her hair and shoved the machine part in. But she realized that she was supposed to be working alone on this project.

"Hey, this is a private mission. Only Homura Akemi-" she paused to flip her hair "-is allowed to work on this thing."

"But Homura, I am the Homura," came the reply.

And Homura looked up to see not a girl that wasn't Homura, but a girl that was indeed Homura.


	12. It's Meguca Time

**Chapter 12: It's Meguca Time**

Homura was puzzled. How could this girl, who looked and acted exactly like her, be the same person as her? She scratched her hair in confusion.

Indeed they looked similar. But the new Homura had glasses and braided hair which was hard to flip. And she was far more astute and calculating than the real Homura.

"Umm… what is this thing?" She asked while holding a glowing tube.

Homura flipped her hair in a dry manner. "That's a dynamic quantogenerator… Wait, if that's over there, then what did you put in-"

Suddenly the machine's control panel started shaking and oozing Heinz ketchup. Homura wasn't impressed.

Glasses Homura coyly looked down at the floor in shame. **"UH-OH, SPAGHETTI-O'S."**

The real Homura then realized. The duel disk she wore on her wrist was much different to Junko Kaname's duel disk; it also had time controlling powers. Somehow, the other Homura must have messed up and travelled to a timeline with another Homura.

She slapped Glasses Homura. "You fool! You have created a time paradox! What if you turn me into my own grandpa?!"

Glasses Homura took notes. "Will that be necessary?"

Homura crunched up the paper cup in her hand. "That won't be needed."  
She continued. "How did you enter my timeline?"

Glasses Homura had no idea. "I have no idea." She said as she twirled the duel disk's hourglass about absentmindedly.

And as she did so, she ended up summoning yet another Homura, who also had glasses, but hers were much thicker. She also wore moccasin shoes and a vintage scarf. She tossed her hair in a hipster manner as she appeared. "Hair flipping is sooo mainstream."

The real Homura was insulted by Hipster Homura's opinions. She was about to smack her hipster face upside the head with her 9 iron golf club, but as it turned out, Glasses Homura got into a heated argument with her over peaches and Matisyahu's songs.

And again, another Homura was summoned by a ripple in the spacetime continuum. This one was robotic, and had extendable arms. "I AM HOMURABOT. PLEASE INSERT WEAPON."

Homura couldn't bear to see all these other Homuras gumming up her special mission. She had to contact Madoka to help her send them back to their own timelines... Maybe that would distract her from making a contract with Kyubey.

She flipped her hair, and told Homurabot, the most competent of the three, to watch over the other Homuras. "Homurabot, make sure the other Homura's don't kill each other. I'll know if you fail because if they die, then I'll die."

Homurabot recognized the order. "I AM HOMURABOT. PLEASE INSERT WEAPON."

Homura bowed to her superior. " _Domo arigatou, Homurabotto._ "

And as it turned out, Madoka was sitting at a park bench with Kyubey, watching a billboard that changed pictures every few minutes.

Madoka pouted. "What am I going to do, Kyubey? All my friends have died, and I couldn't do anything to save them…"

Mr. Vacan poked his head out from inside the rubbish bin. "Um, I'm still alive, Madoka."

Madoka re-iterated. "All my friends. Dead! Oh, woe is me."

Kyubey adjusted his sombrero. "¿Contrato?"

Madoka had to pause and think about it. "Noo… I can't do it."

Kyubey did the Mexican :3 while shaking his maracas. "¿Por que?"

Madoka dried her tears with her ribbons. "What if I end up like Kyoko or Sayaka or that other girl?"

"¿Señor Vacan?"

Madoka couldn't bother to argue with Kyubey's swarthy Latino charisma for any longer. Maybe now she would have to accept the contract.

So she cleared her throat and began. "I wish that-"

But then Kyubey spontaneously exploded into pieces of candy. Madoka didn't know how that happened.

"That won't be compulsory," announced Homura as she blew the smoke off of her revolver barrel. She had finally managed to kill Kyubey, the magic cat who had trolled the magical girls all this time. Madoka, on the other hand, was not so compassionate.

"Homura, why did you kill Kyubey?"

Homura couldn't tell her the truth. It would break Madoka's loli-heart into several sticky, sugar-laden pieces.

"Madoka… I'm sorry. I thought for sure that Kyubey was going to eat your soul… But now, I don't even know anymore. I'm still afraid of the Big Bad Witch coming to lay waste to our planet."

"Walpurgisnacht?"

"Gesundheit. Anyway, Madoka Dingleberry Kaname, forgive me… I want you to leave. Go home, pack your bags and go find your family. I'll build you a rocket to Mars so you can live the rest of your lives in peace. All I ever wanted was to see you smiling… fuck, damn you, Basshunter."

"But Homura, I'll miss you."

"It's okay, Madoka. We'll always be friends. Also, I'll install Skype on the rocket so we can chat when this is all over… Oh, and tell Mr. Vacan that his Vacan and eggs are the best, okay?" Mr. Vacan, who was chewing on an apple core he found in the bin, was touched by Homura's kind words, and shed a tear at this tender moment.

Madoka nodded, and left. Homura flipped her hair five times in a row to make up for going so long without it. And then someone started eating all the candy that Kyubey left behind.

"Mmm, salsa flavor. I sure wish Kyoko was around to try some of this."

Homura facepalmed. She forgot that Kyubey could respawn, and now, she had no ammo.

"Problem, Homura Akemi?" Kyubey troll-:3-ed.

"Kyubey… or should I say, Kyubey the Smelly Poo-Faced Incubator. You've ruined everything."

Kyubey provided a curt refutal. "Au contraire, mon frère, it is you who has done the ruination of everything. **You** were the one who influenced Madoka's potential by basing your wish on her. **You** were the one that altered the fabric of time whenever you messed up, again and again. And **you** were the one who erased my save in Assassin's Scrolls. **Q**. **E**. **D** , bitch!"

Homura flipped her hair in anger. "But this time, I won't mess up. I have an ace in the hole this time round."

Kyubey scoffed. "Yeah, whatevs. Last timeline, your ace in the hole was a trapdoor that didn't even work half the time."

Homura blushed. She was embarrassed at Kyubey bringing that up. He couldn't even bear to look at him anymore. She marched off, doing the Japanese March of the Japanese Men.

Kyubey was proud of having won yet another heated debate, now the score was 105-3. He felt lucky, so he scampered to Madoka's house as fast as he could.

He saw Madoka through the window, packing her suitcases with chocolate wafers and dolls that squeaked when you held them. And she couldn't possibly forget the Golden Snitch she caught in her very first game of Quidditch. And as she was about to pick up her Kyubey plushie, she strangled it out of rage. However the plushie did not mind at all.

The non-plush Kyubey leaned on the window too hard, and ended up crashing through, falling on Madoka's bed. He took Madoka's favourite fake mustache out of her drawer, and decided to tell Madoka the truth.

"Madoka Dingleberry Kaname. Do you know why I wanted you to make a contract with me?"

Madoka pouted. "So I could be useful at something for once?"

"No, silly. Because magical girls have the power to keep the sun burning. It's all in the contract terms and conditions."

Madoka tilted her head in confusion.

"The massive wall of text? When Mr. Vacan made a contact?" Kyubey tried reminding her.

Madoka tilted her head the other way.

"Ahh, forget it. You see, 90% of the time, the sun has a 100% chance of expanding into a red giant every few centuries, consuming the earth in a fiery inferno. So long as magical girls make contracts, the sun stays how it is."

Madoka couldn't even bear to put on her nerd glasses. "That doesn't make any sense."

Kyubey shot some rays of light out of his ear haloes. "It's magic. I ain't gotta explain shit."

"Anyway, a lot of girls in history have made contracts with me and my kin. There's Amelia Earhart, Marilyn Monroe, Marie Curie, Anna Korna… Kovawova… Anna Some-Russian-Thing, The Powerpuff Girls, Meg Griffin… oh, and Britney Spears!" Suddenly Kyubey made Britney Spears music start playing for effect.

Madoka listened to the music, "Noo! Make it stop! This is terrible!"

Kyubey didn't stop. "You must learn, Madoka. I am teaching you! I will make you see that you must make a contract with me!..."

And so Kyubey kept playing the music.

Homura returned to the stadium to see that the other Homuras were making much improved progress on her machine. Homurabot had placated the other two Homuras with gifts; Glasses Homura was enjoying her Twinkie and squeaky toy hammer, and Hipster Homura was busy with her mung bean salad and Modest Mouse vinyl records. She also used her robotic powers to fix the damage to the machine and put it together.

"Thank you, Homurabot." Homura flipped her hair.

Homurabot accepted the praise. "I AM HOMURABOT. PLEASE INSERT WEAPON." Homura complied by handing a carrot to the robot.

Hipster Homura finished her mung bean salad, she tossed her hair. "Hey Homura, and Homura, and Homurabot… where's the witch?"

Glasses Homura whacked herself on the head with her toy hammer. "Walpurgisnacht?"

Homura flipped her own hair. "Gesundheit." She turned to Hipster Homura. "Yes, she is coming… Just like last time. But this time will be different. This time, I will defeat Brazil Nut."

And as the witch's name was finally mentioned, the sunny sky grew dark as though it went from 7 AM to 6 PM. The wind started blowing with force. But Homura wasn't worried. She had her ace in the hole.

A long spooky laugh began to echo in the stadium. Homura's blood charged with tension.

"Lol…"

Homurabot swung her carrot like a tiny anchor as the witch's laugh began again.

"Lol…"

Hipster Homura smoked her corncob pipe while Glasses Homura tied her shoelaces together by accident.

"Lol."

Homura flipped her hair, and pulled a machine gun out of the secret compartment of her duel disk. "Let's do this shit."

As the most powerful witch of all, Brazil Nut had the power to fire massive lasers and summon images of levitating fish to bombard her enemies. With a battle cry of "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!", Homura opened fire on the witch, spraying her with bullets, and tossing banana bombs and exploding sheep for good measure.

Glasses Homura wanted to help too, but she tripped on her shoelaces and ended up spilling a drum of oil on the ground, which made things slippery for the Homura team. Brazil Nut, being able to float, was unaffected.

Hipster Homura elected to attack with her trusty potato gun, which fired… you guessed it, Alaskan yams. Why Alaskan yams? Because in her own words, "You probably haven't heard of them before. They're pretty underground." Nonetheless, her yammunition was nothing short of yamazing.

Homurabot knew how to use a carrot as a weapon. Don't ask me what she did, but I bet It was pretty damn awesome.

But despite their massive assault, Brazil Nut emerged unscathed. No amount of weaponry could break her magical barrier. But she was done toying around with Homura and her friends, so she tore a skyscraper from the ground and hurled it in their general direction.

The collision ignited the oil puddle that Glasses Humora had made, where she and the other two Homuras were standing, and they all ended up getting burned into a pile of ashes with eyeballs.

"Aww no, she di'nt."

The real Homura, the one who flipped her hair, was alone. It was time to use her ace in the hole… The Doomsday Device. She knew that using it would probably level the entire city… actually, she didn't know that. But she thought it was a good idea. So she jumped over to the control panel, and pushed the big red button marked "PRESS ME :)"

And the doomsday device started charging. Its cylinders started glowing, and electricity pulsed through its main conduits. The machine shook violently, and Homura thought it felt like a massaging chair. She directed the pylon directly at Brazil Nut's upside-down head, and she braced for the destructive beam that it would fire.

"This is it…" She started to sweat in anticipation.

But all it did was shoot a rubber duck. One puny rubber duck. Brazil Nut didn't even need to dodge it. "Lol."

It bounced right off of its gear body and rebounded to hit the Doomsday Device, activating its self-destruct.

Homura frowned as the machine was about to explode. "I knew I should have gotten the turbo."

The machine blew apart and Homura was blasted into a wall. She was done for… unless she rewound time. So she reached for her duel disk, only to realize that she took it off when she washed her hands before using her machine gun. Now there was nothing she could do. She would be consumed by sadness and her gumball would corrupt to turn her into a witch… Maybe then she could defeat Brazil Nut.

But before she had time to do anything else, a high-pitched screeching of a flying saucer resounded in a flying-saucer like way. It was Madoka, who hijacked Hitomi's Dr. Wily UFO.

She jumped out to protect Homura, with Kyubey at her shoulder, who was listening to music on his iPod.

"Homura, it's Meguca time."


	13. I WILL MAKE MY CONTRACT WITH YOU

**Chapter 13: I WILL MAKE MY CONTRACT WITH YOU**

Boldly, Madoka stood between Homura and Kyubey. Homura could see that there was no way she could stop the contract from being fulfilled; she couldn't even stand up.

"But Madoka… that won't… be… obligatory…"

Madoka wasn't listening. She was ready.

"KYUBEYYYYYYY-!"

Kyubey turned off his iPod. "Geez Madoka, no need to yell."

"I WILL MAKE MY CONTRACT WITH YOU."

Kyubey's ear haloes started glowing in anticipation. "Then make your wish, Madoka Kaname. What is your wish that you will lose your soul for?"

Madoka monologued. "This world is full of suffering. Countless magical girls before me have been turned into witches due to having their gumballs corrupted. I want to end that suffering, and I know just the wish to make it happen."

Even though he still had his :3 face on, Kyubey thought "Oh shit!," as he knew he was about to get smeckledorfed big-time. "I-I said ix-nay on wishing for more wishes…"

But Madoka wasn't wishing for that.

" **I, Madoka Dingleberry Kaname, wish that-** whoa! **"**

Madoka was tripped up, making her fall to the ground to do a soppy face. But that's impossible, Homura couldn't have done that. So who was it that tripped her?

"Kyubey you lying fuck!"

It was Mr. Vacan in his magical boy dress. He smelt a little like garage, and was pretty incensed for some reason.

"Where are they?!"

Kyubey did a confused :3. "What?"

Mr. Vacan pointed his briefcase flamethrower at Kyubey. "My toothbrushes. You never gave them to me, you Pokemon bastard."

Kyubey then pulled two golden toothbrushes out of his back pocket. "Oops, sorry, here you go."

Mr. Vacan grabbed the toothbrushes. And then he saw Homura and Madoka standing by.

"Hey guys. You wanna sing the toothbrushing song with me? Okay, everyone, let's brush!"

_Brush in the morning, and brush at night,_ _  
_Brush every tooth and brush it right._  
_If you want to keep plaque away,_  
_You've got to brush your teeth at least twice a day!_  
_(Brush, brush, at least twice a day!)_  
_Brush with fluoride toothpaste and keep plaque away!__

_Brush every tooth, brush away all the plaque,_ _  
_Brush your permanent molars that are way in the back!_  
_Brush every surface, but still you're not done,_  
_Until you remember to brush your tongue!_  
_(Brush, brush, brush your tongue!)_  
_Brush your teeth, prevent tooth decay!_  
_(Brush, brush, at least twice a day!)__

And somehow, the song of brushing teeth had completely devastated Brazil Nut.

"Lol… lol… …" It laughed even as its body disintegrated.

Madoka and Homura could not believe how anti-climactic that battle was. Kyubey in particular was :3-y with rage at how he didn't get Madoka to make her wish.

"Hey Madoka, you still got that wish."

Now that Brazil Nut was defeated, there was no need to wish for the death of all witches in time and space. But Madoka could not help but feel bad about the loss of Homurabot, Hipster Homura and Glasses Homura. She saw their teary eyes make their ash bodies wet, and her heart couldn't stand to see it.

"I wish… for a huge plate of nachos!"

"Done." Kyubey conjured up a plate of nachos, complete with cheesy sauce and guacamole.

And Madoka shared with Mr. Vacan and all the other Homuras as they walked into the sunset.

And from that day on, being Mr. Vacan was suffering no longer.

...

"Well, that was nice."

From their mystic crystal ball in Magical Girl Heaven, Kyoko watched over them, happy to see them not wasting food.

Sayaka was there too, and she had her original accent. "Bonjour, Mademoiselle Kyoko. May I acquisition ze crystal ball? I wish to observe my petite Kyosuke."

Sayaka shifted the crystal ball's focus to Kyousuke, who was still wearing his barrel, while playing his violin in the theatre in front of an audience of ten thousand, including Hitomi's angry mob, the teacher in Madoka's class, the ghost of the 4Kids employee, the talking dog, and even the sack of tomatoes. They clapped when Kyosuke played the Futurama theme song on violin. This made Saykaa smile as Kyoko dipped her halo in ranch dressing and took a bite out of it.

And then Mami came in, carrying some mugs of Ovaltine for them to drink. Kyoko took this time to tease Mami again about her easy defeat.

"Hey Mami, remember how you got de **feet** ed by that witch?"

Mami smiled as she handed the mug of Ovaltine to Kyoko.

"Face it, when it comes to fighting witches who like cheese, you don't have a **leg to stand on!** "

Mami gave Kyoko a couple of marshmallows.

"I mean crikey, mate, that witch may have been a real beauty, but it was just a little **ankle biter**."

Mami nodded wordlessly.

"Gee, you look tired. I hope you have a nice **couch** to sit on!"

And then Mami was furious enough to try unleashing a barrage of bullets at Kyoko, ignoring the fact that the oranges she stuffed under her blouse were starting to fall out.

Sayaka looked on and shrugged as they fought. "C'est la vie." Apparently, there was trouble in Paradise after all.

**==THE END==**

 

 

 

(Also, Homura killed Kyubey a week later.)


End file.
